Validation in DBT
What is validation in DBT?
Validation is a key concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
To validate means to acknowledge the validity in what someone else is saying, or feeling. Validation is important for every relationship, including friendships, romantic relationships, and with family members.
Parental validation of children is especially important. This is a crucial mechanism by which children learn to trust, and eventually control, their emotions. It is thought that too much parental invalidation can be damaging to children, making it difficult for them to learn to control their emotions and behavior. Parental invalidation (interacting with a biological vulnerability is thought to contribute to the development of borderline personality disorder).
That is why validation is an important skill we teach in our comprehensive DBT program.
Why is validation important in DBT?
It is important to validate for many reasons:
It demonstrates we are listening and understand
Shows acceptance, care, and compassion
Validation helps improve our relationships
It takes away the pressure to prove who is right
It decreases anger and defensiveness
Validation makes problem solving and support possible, while also making others more open to what we have to say
Invalidation HURTS!
And most importantly: validating your loved ones is of the best ways to help your relationship
But how do you validate in DBT?
Validation is finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree, approve, or like what the other person is doing. You are simply understanding where the other person is coming from.
We only validate the valid. Validating is not pretending to agree or believe something when you don’t. However, and this is where many people tend to get confused, so this is key:
Emotions are always valid.
How can this be the case? When we say emotions are valid, we just mean you need to recognize reality. If someone is sad, or mad, and you try to tell them they aren’t really feeling that way, or they shouldn’t feel that way, you are not likely to get very far. You do not need to agree with WHY they are feeling they way they are, but you should recognize with the fact that they ARE feeling the way they are.
Beyond emotion, we can also validate the facts of a situation, a person’s experiences, beliefs, feelings, opinions, thoughts, and their suffering. If you can, you should. But you don’t need to. Sometimes, all you might be able to say is “Oh no, you’re so sad!” But that will be much more effective than “You’re fine,” or “That shouldn’t make you sad.” It’s also more effective than jumping to problem solving without any validating.
In DBT, we teach six levels of validation as well as self-validation.
Level One DBT Validation:
Stay Awake and Pay Attention
The first level is to pay attention, and treat the individual and what they are saying as meaningful and important. Don’t multitask, but rather give the person your full attention. Often, we might move in closer. Give them nonverbal cues that you are listening, like nodding.
It is also important to be mindful of negative nonverbal expressions (i.e., rolling your eyes, making a judgmental face, crossing your arms, or looking at your phone).
Validating: Looking at the person who is talking to you. Stopping your other tasks, and giving them your full attention.
Invalidating: Sitting on the coach, with one eye on the TV, only half paying attention.
Level Two DBT Validation:
Reflect Back
Level two validation is accurately reflecting back what the person is saying, without judgment. Summarize what they are telling you, so they know you were listening, and understand what they are telling you. You also might check-in, to make sure you understand. Be open to correction!
Validating: “It sounds like you are saying you’re feeling frustrated because you think your coworker is out to get you, is that right?”
Invalidating: “That probably isn’t true, maybe you’re just sensitive.”
Level Three DBT Validation:
Read Minds
Level three validation is to “read minds.” This is where we repeat and summarize what the other person has said, but we add to it and go beyond it, based upon non-verbal cues, context cues, and other information we have.
In order to read minds, we pay attention to voice tone, body language, and behavior while then expressing what you think the person may be feeling or thinking. We have to be open to correction with this level of validation too because we aren’t actually mind readers. Using tentative language like “I’m guessing that,” or “I’m wondering if” can be really helpful.
Validating: “I’m so sorry you didn’t get that job that you wanted. I’m guessing you must be really disappointed.”
Invalidating: “You knew getting that job was a long shot, so being disappointed doesn’t really make sense.”
Level Four DBT Validation:
Show Understanding
Level four validation is where you communicate an understanding of the causes behind why someone feels they way they do. You are looking for how the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of the person make sense given the person’s history or current situation, even if you don’t approve of the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors themselves.
Validating: “It’s disappointing when any relationship doesn’t work out. It also makes sense that you are so sad about the end of this relationship, given how hard your last breakup was for you.”
Invalidating: “You only went on a couple of dates, so I’m not sure why you’re so upset.”
Level Five DBT Validation:
Acknowledge the Valid (or, Show Agreement)
Level five validation involves acknowledging the valid. This is where we show that, not only do we understand the other person, we agree with them. We express that the situation led to their emotions in a way you fully agree with. Here, we are communicating that a person’s experience makes sense given the present facts of the situation.
Validating: “Of course you feel devastated, you just lost your job.”
Invalidating: “Meh, you didn’t really like that job anyway. Now you have a chance to find something you really enjoy.”
Level Six DBT Validation:
Show Equality
Level six validation is showing the other person that you would feel the same as them, in the same situation (or, perhaps you are in the same situation, so you do feel the same in many ways). This shows the other person that you think their emotions are fully valid, and that they are fully entitled to equal respect.
It can be difficult to validate emotions that make no sense to you, and in those cases, you might not be able to reach level six validation. But, if you can try, you should.
Validation: “That was such a rude thing for her to have done. I would feel angry too if I were in your position!”
Invalidating: “She’s always doing things like this to me too, and I just try to not take it personally.”
Will Validating Intense Emotions Make Things Worse?
Validation can be difficult to do at first if you never learned it. You may worry that, by validating when someone is upset you are actually reinforcing their strong emotions. But, this is not the case. By reflecting and mirroring someone’s emotions, we actually help them to calm down and self-regulate. This is a skill people can get better with over time.
When your loved one is upset, you should express care and empathy through validation, but you should do it in a controlled and regulated way. You can demonstrate that you understand how much they are struggling, but do it in a way that doesn’t lead to you becoming overwhelmed and out of control.
This is one of the fastest ways to calm someone down: expressing controlled empathy.
In Colorado? Contact us at Front Range Treatment Center to learn more about our DBT program.
If you are struggling to validate, hold limits or boundaries, or cope with your loved one’s emotions, check out our DBT program or schedule an appointment today.
FRTC offers online DBT therapy and skills groups, including:
