Five Relationship Tips (For When Your Partner Has BPD)

Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) presents certain challenges. Sometimes, your relationship can feel like a“rollercoaster.” If you’re struggling with this, these tips may be helpful.

Those with BPD sometimes struggle through this common pattern: periods of idealization (“you are so wonderful and I love you so much”) and devaluation (“I hate you and you are the absolute worst”). People with BPD may feel both of these things in the same day, or even during the same conversation. This is because people with BPD struggle with emotions: they feel these very strongly, have difficulty controlling their emotions, and are susceptible to becoming overwhelmed. The results? Their emotions sometimes are in the driver’s seat, and they might lash out at their loved ones in a desperate attempt to feel better.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help “weather the storms” in your relationship. Here are five ways to increase stability in your relationship with your partner if they have been diagnosed with BPD or have traits of BPD:

1: Practice mindfulness of your own experience, and in your relationship.

Mindfulness, put simply, is paying attention to the moment in a nonjudgmental way. Research shows that mindfulness has many benefits such as stress reduction and increased psychological well-being. Mindfulness applied to your relationship may mean being fully attentive to your partner and 100% engaged while you are interacting. While distractions, such as a long to-do list or memories of a stressful work day may abound, your relationship satisfaction will likely increase as you focus exclusively on your partner’s words or the activity you are doing together. Regular mindfulness practice may also help enhance feelings of trust and intimacy in your relationship as you connect on a deeper level. Furthermore, try a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill of “mindfulness of others,” which involves not being over-focused on the self and observing/attending to other people for more balanced relationships. Some ways to practice mindfulness of others include noticing judgmental thoughts about your partner and letting them go, not multitasking, not clinging to always being right, and going with the flow in your relationship. 

2: Agree to set aside daily time for each other, and give each person a chance to speak.

While it may feel unnatural in the beginning, designate 30 minutes to an hour scheduled at the same time each day. Take turns speaking in three-minute increments, using a stopwatch to track time. If 30 minutes feels too long, start with 12 minutes using the 3-minute timer method. This high level of structure will provide opportunities for each partner to express themselves and feel heard without interruption, and also bring an increased sense of connection. Keep in mind that your partner may use this time to vent frustrations; however, the increased structure may also be useful in limiting the duration of potentially unpleasant interactions. 

3. Focus on improving communication skills (yes, your communication skills!)

Misunderstandings, resentment, and anger escalate in the presence of indirect, or passive aggressive communication. Acting based on assumptions of your partner’s wants or needs may lead to getting it repeatedly wrong and may increase frustration. Furthermore, our wants and needs are constantly evolving and what may have been applicable one moment may no longer be relevant in the next. Since we can’t actually read another person’s mind, try a DBT skill, such as DEARMAN, to express what you want in a direct, concise manner and increase the chance of having your objective met.  

4. Write down thoughts and feelings to share with your partner when you are apart.

Individuals diagnosed with BPD often fear abandonment by their partners and seek reassurance frequently. Assisting your partner in checking the facts (an emotion regulation skill) may help alleviate your partner’s fear of abandonment. For example, Cara starts to worry that John hates her because he went out with his buddies instead of watching T.V. with her at home. By writing down these thoughts and feelings, Cara may share them with John later and realize that his reasons for going out were tied to an obligation to his buddies rather than any hatred directed towards her. It is important to note that reassurance-seeking decreases anxiety in the short-term and increases it in the long-term. Your partner could talk to their therapist about how to surf urges to seek reassurance and rely on their own use of skills so they eventually learn to independently manage those impulses. 

5: Join a DBT Friends and Family Group

DBT Friends and Family Classes offer DBT skills training for the friends and family of those with BPD. Sometimes, your loved one might be in DBT (and DBT is the best treatment for BPD). Other times, they may refuse treatment for themselves.

DBT is an evidence-based therapy designed to treat symptoms of BPD and the skills are highly applicable for those with BPD and their loved ones. The skills training focuses on the four modules of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness to help improve the quality of your daily life and relationships. 

If your relationship feels particularly unstable right now, you may be weary of the ups and downs and feel like giving up. However, moving towards greater relational stability is possible and support is available for you – please contact us today for a free consultation for yourself or your loved one.